My conversation with a married closeted gay man

So today, I was on Grindr as usual seeking to interact with gay men in my local area to share about safe sex with them and encourage them to get tested and I received a really good news from someone I have been chatting with for two weeks now. 

So this guy let's just call him John is an Indian gay man married to a woman. He shared with me the image of his test results for HIV test. He purchased the self-test kit from Lazada and got tested safely in the privacy of his home.

This makes me very happy and that is not because I managed to secure him as a client and add him as part of my Key Performance Indicator (KPI). It is because after having two weeks worth of conversation with him, I influenced him to get tested for HIV. You see as an Outreach Worker, my goal is to encourage this man to come and get tested in our Centre in Sentul. Only then he would be considered as an addition to my KPI. I gain no recognition in getting him self-tested. 

In this case, I am clearly aware that I will not be rewarded in terms of my work performance but what makes me really happy is the effort that I put in into building relationship with him over the past two weeks has resulted in a positive outcome. One of the reason why I kept engaging him was because he was genuinely concerned about his sexual health and he is completely aware that he is putting his spouse in danger of contracting HIV. 

So, he is a closeted gay Indian man and he was pressured into marrying a woman because in the Indian culture here, men are expected to get married to a woman and to have kids. It is a cultural norm. I am an Indian man myself and I am very fortunate that I am able to be open about my sexuality with my parents and my siblings. They are aware of my sexuality but they generally don't like to discuss about it with me. Basically, anything related to sex is considered taboo in my family and in most Indian homes. 

So, being an Indian LGBTQ+ person is very challenging. In the case of this man I am talking about, he knows very well that he wants to have sex with men and he confessed to me that he is not a bisexual. He told me that he simply had sex with his wife because he had to. So he was pressured into doing this by his family in order for him to be seen as in good standing by the society at large. This deep obsession in making sure someone is straight in my culture is deeply disturbing to me.

This man gained no satisfaction in having sex with his wife. He craves sexual intimacy with another man and it is evident from the tone of his messages to me. I am sharing this story because he is not the only man who I have interacted with who has chosen to live a lie so that he can be accepted by the society we live in here. There are countless men like him on the app searching for intimacy with another man daily.

I find that to be deeply saddening and disturbing because as someone who is an LGBTQ+ myself, I feel that I need to be open and be truthful about my sexuality. I desire for a world where people will not be shamed for who they choose to love and subsequently build a life with. I don't walk in someone else's shoes but I do walk in my shoes as an Indian LGBTQ+ person here in Kuala Lumpur and I can share with you that it is not a pleasant experience. I am often singled out due to my race and my darker skin and if I am found out to be an LGBTQ+, I am often met with rejection or ridicule. 

That is why it is important for representation for people like me in the society. We need more voices like mine to emerge. Voices that say that it is okay to be who we are and that we should not be shamed for the choices we make in our lives. Only then can we stop gay men like myself from living an often sad closeted and empty life. Together we can help break the stigma that men like me face. Find the courage in you today to share about your sexuality if you are an LGBTQ+ person or if you are straight, choose to be an ally and encourage people to be allies too. Here is a video that you can watch to learn more about how you see LGBTQ+ people;